Saint Dean

I started writing this last week. I hope its a good start =)
I am not a very good writer, so please bare that in mind.
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I am different from must students here; I am smarter, faster and stronger. I could kill anyone in this corridor right now with little effort. Do they know I am sayain? Of course not, they would reject me, fear me or even blame me for a thing that has happened.
I have been holding back my abilities for so long now, I need to tell someone. Anyone.


Standing by his locker, Gohan carefully watches as students flow past like a herd of sheep. He watches their every move, analysing their behaviour. The bell screeches across the hall bouncing on all the walls, Gohan breaks his thoughts and moves down the corridor without hesitation. As he walks he tries to recollect his thoughts again.
He looks up into the windowed doors ahead, a stream of light hits his face blinding him. He rubs eyes and takes a second look. Stood on the other end of the door there was a man, wearing unusual clothes and had a defined muscle body. His hair overgrown, almost touching the bottom of his back. Gohan stops.

Wait I know him.

Gohan freezes in the corridor, as the students begin to leave. He stares at a man stood outside in amazement.

It... It can’t be...

The man remained emotionless, looking directly into Gohan eyes.

But he’s dead... I thought...

Gohan’s thoughts were cut short as windowed door shattered. Gohan dropped his school bag, moved into a stance and clenched his fists.
“What are you doing here” Gohan roared,
without giving an answer, the man stepped into the corridor. Gohan ripped his tie from his neck and slung his blazer to one side.
“I’ll fight you if you get any closer” Gohan warned,
the man’s stern face broke into a grin; he lifted his hand forward and summoned a ball of blue energy upon it.
“Give your father this message” he grinned,
Before Gohan could react, the man sent the ball of energy into the ground below him, sending him shooting into the lockers beside. Laughing, the man moved back outside and flew off into the distance.
Gohan sat up and watched the figure slowly fade into the sky. He moved to his feet and took his mobile from his pocket and punched in a few numbers. He put the phone to his ear,
“Dad! It’s Gohan. He’s back... Radditz is back”

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Vivi

Nice job man, you're not doing too bad. A few things though:

First, separate your dialogue and descriptions like this

Gohan’s thoughts were cut short as windowed door shattered. Gohan dropped his school bag, moved into a stance and clenched his fists.

“What are you doing here” Gohan roared.

Without giving an answer, the man stepped into the corridor. Gohan ripped his tie from his neck and slung his blazer to one side.

“I’ll fight you if you get any closer” Gohan warned,

Okay, after that, try adding a lot more length to you chapters. I read that is less than one minute. You can add length by describing things in more detail. I would also suggest slowing down the pace of your fiction, too much happened already in this first chapter, a short chapter. Maybe in your story you could describe Gohan's school at first (Making it the entire first chapter) than for a second chapter you describe Raditz bursting in through the windows and the entire near fight scene. Then for a third chapter you could describe the conversation between Gohan and Goku.

All in all, it's good, just try some of the tips I pointed out.

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Saint Dean

Ahh! Thanks for the advice.
I am going to rewrite this then =) all add my desription and make my chapters longer.
Now I know which direction I need to go.

I'll post this story again ina couple of weeks when I am ready,.

Thanks for the tips =)

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