SSJJason

Ken 10 VS Kevin 11 : fight to the finsh!
Chapter 1: Back to school
Ken walked out of his room and looked at his watch
" I remeber when i first got this...
A shriking cry came from down the hall
" Wait a minute ....that's from Devin's room
Walking down the halls he then started to run and run a-
Bump!
" Why were you screaming? Devin smirked
" I wasn't I thought you were Ken smirked back
" Then who did? Ken and Devin said in ullision
The two boys raced down the hall the sliding down Ken and Devin's
BIG set of stairs
" Oh no....the toasters fried again a musclar man sighed
" Don't worry , upgrade can fix it! With that the brown haired boy
turned his watch and then hit it
A green black alien appeared and then went inside of the toaster
" Ken....how many times have I- the man got serious
" Aww...ok , Devin push the button. The alien came out of the toaster
" Gotcha! Devin pushed the button in
" Well...i guess it did benfit us, now we use it for metal. The man smiled
" Micro-ton ! Make me and Devin some waffles and bacon and some eggs. Ken and Devin smiled at delight and rubbed their tummies
" Ok you two eat up im going to get dressed and literally speed off!
Ben raced up stairs even though he was 28 and not a kid any more
" Wow ....those things are cool! Devin smiled
" Yeah i guess...too bad i cant use it though. Ken frowned
" Hey remember that room we found? Well i wonder why dad hasnt put something in there. Ken stuffed a egg in his mouth
" Yeah...but you do have like a trillion rooms in here so...Devin paused
" Ken we have to go! Devin jumped down
" Darn it....Ken waved at the computer making robotic hands come out and put in storage.
Ken and Devin got there hoverboards and raced out to school
" Ouch....even if the grass was soft the landing sure was hard!
Ken got up
" We better go before - Devin froze and looked at the girl that passed by him
" Hi boys! she winked at them both and waved
" Dude...snap out of it! Hello? Ok....fine bye ! Ken ran though the open doors and ran to a lady that handed him and Devin a sheet who ken had to drag in
" Thanks! Ok lets see....
1st period: scince
2nd: Languge class
3rd: chemistry
4th: Gym
5th : Math
6th gym
7th and 8th : break and dismssal
" Looks like we got the same classes pal! ken and did a handshake
" Bowling! they laughed
"Whoa....omg! Ken looked at the girl
The girl was brown haired like ben and had smooth legs and had on a
red hat andblue sweater. She wore white nikes with black pants
By her looks , Ken could tell she wasnt no ordernary girl
" Now you know how i felt , eh? It's pretty aprarent that you like her!
Devin smirked
" Just shut up , Devin. Just keep moving. Ken looked back at the girl who smiled
1st class:
Ken and devin walked in " Hmmm.... right here . Ken showed Devin
" Good eye my friend ! Devin smiled
" Thanks....i think ken blushed when he saw that same girl
The girl moved through the rows and sat next to Ken
" Hi my name's Danielle she shook his hand which made him go burning red
" Oh...Im Ken . He shook back
" Cool omnitrix... this made Ken eye her
" How do you know ? ken asked
" Why silly i have one! Danielle said
" You do? Ken sweatdroped
" Of course! Danielle said
" How 'bout this: If you have one then you have to spend the weekend with me . If you dont you have to kiss me . Ken was in fairy tale land when he said that
" Ok your on! Danielle was the kind of girl that took any thing on
" Who are your parents, Ken? Danielle asked
Ken looked at her then smiled
"Im just joking. Everyone knows the great Ben 10,000! And your his son, man my dad was a inventor. Danielle frowned
" Cool! Thats right! I want to be just like him! Ken stood on his desk
Devin was busy hooking up with a girl himself.
" So At the weekend? Devin smiled
" Sure . Ill be there! Callia smiled back
" Don't mind him. He always does that. I do it too. You know first pretty girl ya see you go get 'em. Danielle laughed
" Your cute and funny at the same time! Ken blushed
Dainelle held his hand which made them both turn as bright as fireworks . Ken then fainted.The teacher finally walks in and sees a Unconcuis Ken on the floor spinning around in circles.
"Sir. May i take him to the nurse? Danielle said
" Sure ...little miss a boy laughed on his back
Danielle turned red not blushing red but mad red .
She jumped on the boy who touched her butt . She then punched him hard in the face and the fall had to break at least one rib.
" Danielle , you and Ken can have commintity service. And you....
Devin and Jullie also have it.
" WHAT!!!!!!!! the four yelled
" Thats 8 more hours. That leads up to 10 hours, your parents will be phoned so they dont worry.
" Way to go...loser! Devin crossed his arms
" I suggest you shut up before you'll end up in the hostipal! Danielle threatened
" Ok....Devin pouted
The rest of the school day zoomed by fast , and then the four went to the princapal's office.
" Danielle and Ken you guys mop up the floors and strainen the books in the libary.
" Devin and Jullie you guys can clean the school recreation room and pick up all that garbage at the recess area. Now Go!

" Don't worry ! XLR8 can do this! Ken said trying to stop Dainny from pouting.
" No... we cant. Principal Landoraz will be watching us when we do our work. Any bad move wil get in more trouble.
" Guess your right...Ken walked faster
" Hey wait! Danielle ran the Ken ran to the lunch room
Tripping on water ken pushes Danielle to try to get wet himself but milk on the floor trips danielle and she falls.
" Might as well... Danielle takes off her sweater
" Ken cover your eyes, Cover them!
Ken opened them but as soon as he did, Danielle tackled him .
This sent them both flying but it was actully cleaning the lunch room
when they landed , Danielle lips were touching Ken's who blushed
and they both got up and mopped.
Devin dashed for the garbage can but tripped on a rock
" Go figure....Devin pouts in mid air
" Haa... Nice try looks like were almost done.
" Well... how's this ? Devin dived at Jullie who jumps to the side , Devin flies face first into a tree .
" Owww......glass....Owww Devin pulled it out
" Glass? Hmmm....wait! Devin i think your dive destroyed the camera!
Jullie gets up and helps Devin
" Remember ! This is a contest and the winner gets to leave when there done.
" Right! Lets move out!

Ken and Danielle walked in the libray and Ken gasped
" Not too much....i guess. Danielle giggled
Ken looked back and jumped
" Ken forget about the camera! Go hero now!
" wait its the camera! Ken punched it
" Good job genius ! danielle giggled and Ken just smiled
" thanks! k en dashed at the books
In 40 minutes , the books were straightened
" Phew good thing thats over! Ken began to walk out the fourth row
The bookcase began to tip over but ken went hero
" Hold on ! XLR8 dashed and got Danielle just in time.
" I did that intentilly! I wanted to see your hero in action. Sorry.
" Its ok now - Danielle pushed the buton in

Devin and jullie had completed thiers but danielle showed Ken a secret way and they got there first.
" Well...since you both completed it i guess i ll let you go.
But never let it happen again.

__________________




PSN : Fizzykid49.



Hey you fucking assholes who pick on me, I will get you back!

*mods, chill out. dont give me a infraction

SSJJason

Chapter 2: Danielle's omnitrix
After school as promised, Danielle led ken to her mansion
" Wow ! It's almost as big as mine! Ken gasped
" Yeah i guess ! Just take off your shoes. Danielle giggled
"Ok ...so where is it? Ken looked around
" So soon....i mean...it's upstairs follow me! Danielle sighed quickly so ken wouldnt notice
Going up the circle of stairs, the duo reached danielle's room
Ken opened the door fancy style which made Danielle giggle
The walls were blue and the bottom was yellow sand and a brown tree with coconuts.
" Cool! This is so awsome! Ken jumped up pumping his fists in the air.
" ok here it is Danielle pushed a button and a door opened which scanned danielle's hand
After the smoke cleared , a watch came out and the watch looked like Ken's but had a white hour glass with blue outlined on it.
" It looks like mine ...except cooler . Ken smiled
A flash shot up in the wall which lite up , the presence of the Zero omnitrix caused a reaction with Ken's X omnitrix
" Whoa ! Ken quick ! Take it off! Danielle took hers off
" hey what the-. ken fell over
" Ouch... Ken was knocked out
Danielle fell over and landed on Ken
That was enough to wake him up
" what happened....that was strange! Ken got up
" Uh- oh....Ken . He's coming! danielle looked at he watch
She then hit it
After the white light went away , a white alien with blue gloves appeared . It was tall and it had green hair with crackes
" Ken . This is Lightlar . Lightlar smiled
" Hey! Well you could have waited! Ken looked at his watch
then he hit it
A alien stood and it had black boots with a sword on its back and it had white skin with a black hat.
" Hmm....i suppose your a sashada ...that race is extremly fast
and has gigantic swords. You can also fly. Lightlar imformed
" Wow and i guess your a grey matter .... Shock- Slash shot a wave out of his mouth
" No....the galvins and the intllectals were close friends,
so we protected them. Lightlar said
A blast shoth through the wall but lightlar grew a spike and reflected it .
A beast came through the hole, but Shock-slash and Lightlar were ready.
" Take this!! Shock - Slash jumped up and shot a shock- wave that blasted the alien away
" Wait...thats regen! They have regenerating cells so the only way is to
kill them with there owwn blast. Lightlar flew up but got slashed down.
Shock-slash got angry and charged a monster shock wave that blew back the aliens own wave and killed it.
In a flash , the two turned back to normal.
" C'mon ! I wanna show you something Ken dragged Danielle to the river
In the moonlight, Ken got out a box and gave it to danielle
" OH MY GOD!!! Thanks! Danielle hugged Ken
" I got you somthing too....this Danielle kissed Ken
He kissed back. They were soon laying on the grass when ken's phone rang
" Where are you young man? Devin was cracking up
" Oh ....you. Whats up man?
" Nothing... just having some teen fun...
Ken heard a groan in the background
" Yeah well...
" How's it been going with you?
" We're not that far yet.
"Oh i see.
Danielle got the phone from ken and Said something
" Hi devin....i just was wondering if you were doing any thing tonight.
Ken was on his back laughing so hard
" Sure ill come to the bridge...
" ok bye
" bye...loser
" Ken we can prank Devin! Danielle switched to Invisa-bile
" ok now you go hero and distract kevin!
" Ok got it but for one thing: you have to kiss me for 10 minutes
" fine anything to get back at that little devil...
Ken went shock- slash and shot a shock wave aimed at kevin's board
Shock-Slash hid and as planned Danielle did her prank
" hey honey wanna get a kiss? she tried her best to sound attractive and persuvive
"um..sure . devin closed his eyes
Whack!!!
The punch hurt devin very bad and he heard a bunch of laughter from ken and danielle
The use of the zero watch and X watch sent off a signal

" Ken 10 And danielle 10 are back. it seems there working together
we almost had them. But they dont know what else is in store.

__________________




PSN : Fizzykid49.



Hey you fucking assholes who pick on me, I will get you back!

*mods, chill out. dont give me a infraction

Nikushimi

Greatest literary masterpiece I have ever read in my life, srsly. This sodomizes the shit out of Atlas Shrugged and Tom Sawyer and all that would-be novel shit. The sheer brilliance and exquisite nature of this piece are unparallelled both in their multi-dimensional connectivity and their deep involvement in socio-political triumphs and failures, examining both humanity's conscience and its veracious piety in the face of adverse circumstances.

You, sir, are a visionary. I'm favoritting this page, because this fic is so fucking made of epic win.




...




Naw, this is like Failure to Launch meets Talladega Nights. While I don't like to be harsh on fellow writers, there comes a time in every person's life when they must say "OH SHIT, MY EYES".

I'm afraid this is that time for me. The fic is...Ben10-based? 'K, I can't even say anything about that without going into a whole rant all its own. I'll just say a different theme would be better for any semi-serious piece of writing. Second, the large text all bunched together is a big "no"- use paragraphs, size the text down, and try to separate dialogue from description. Description is another thing. Use more of it. There are just bits and pieces of details thrown in haphazardly. Try using more, longer sentences, with a more varied choice of words. Also try thinking out a plot to fit the story that doesn't consist of general noob cliches like "ONE DAY...OMFG, BURORI COMES!!! HE'S A FUCKING SUUPAA-SAIYA-JIN 3!!! EARTH'S DEFENDERS MUST FAITO!!!". Also try to make the dialogue flow more naturally, rather than rushed; things need to come out as one would actually say them.

Plz improve upon each and every one of these areas, if for no one else, then for yourself.


EDIT: Can't believe I forgot this: Spelling and grammar are two big aspects of writing. You need to check both when you write something and make sure there are no mistakes, or at least very few of them.

__________________

Bow to the King.

Eliwood21

Lol, somehow I knew this would attract Niku. ^_^

__________________

Nikushimi

I'm like a moth attracted to a flame of things to pwn; wherever something to pwn is, I will find it and you can bet I'll be there.

I'm not some exceptional wordsmith like Mr. SSJJason here, but I did feel that my critique of his artistic vision of multi-cultural integration and hypertranscendentalistic euphomasia would provide valuable insight into any future endeavors of this young, up-and-coming genius of the written word.


EDIT: And besides, this way, I get to tell Lord_Sloth that someone wrote a fic about him. :D

__________________

Bow to the King.

Eliwood21

...You know you saw "Ken 10" and wondered how the fanfiction edition was going to be. Don't kid around with me, guy. D:

Edit: Thus, more lulz to pull off, eh Niku?

__________________

Nikushimi

Lol, typo much? I'm not sure I understand what you're trying to say, buddy. D:

__________________

Bow to the King.

Eliwood21

Of course; the caffeine is finally kicking in after my 6th Dr. Pepper can this morning. :D

YOU CHARISH ALL BEN10 CREATIONS.

You know what I mean, friend. D:

And with this, I'm done.

__________________

Nikushimi

What? I do not, guy. D:

Psh, leave if you want. I'm going to read through this a few more times; srsly, it's actually funny as hell after you get used to it. I wish I had half that much comedic genius in me.

This is like the second-coming of that "Ho no Chichi is dead!" fic.

__________________

Bow to the King.

SSJJason

best critic ever man

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nikushimi Greatest literary masterpiece I have ever read in my life, srsly. This sodomizes the shit out of Atlas Shrugged and Tom Sawyer and all that would-be novel shit. The sheer brilliance and exquisite nature of this piece are unparallelled both in their multi-dimensional connectivity and their deep involvement in socio-political triumphs and failures, examining both humanity's conscience and its veracious piety in the face of adverse circumstances. You, sir, are a visionary. I'm favoritting this page, because this fic is so fucking made of epic win. ... Naw, this is like Failure to Launch meets Talladega Nights. While I don't like to be harsh on fellow writers, there comes a time in every person's life when they must say "OH SHIT, MY EYES". I'm afraid this is that time for me. The fic is...Ben10-based? 'K, I can't even say anything about that without going into a whole rant all its own. I'll just say a different theme would be better for any semi-serious piece of writing. Second, the large text all bunched together is a big "no"- use paragraphs, size the text down, and try to separate dialogue from description. Description is another thing. Use more of it. There are just bits and pieces of details thrown in haphazardly. Try using more, longer sentences, with a more varied choice of words. Also try thinking out a plot to fit the story that doesn't consist of general noob cliches like "ONE DAY...OMFG, BURORI COMES!!! HE'S A FUCKING SUUPAA-SAIYA-JIN 3!!! EARTH'S DEFENDERS MUST FAITO!!!". Also try to make the dialogue flow more naturally, rather than rushed; things need to come out as one would actually say them. Plz improve upon each and every one of these areas, if for no one else, then for yourself. EDIT: Can't believe I forgot this: Spelling and grammar are two big aspects of writing. You need to check both when you write something and make sure there are no mistakes, or at least very few of them.

__________________




PSN : Fizzykid49.



Hey you fucking assholes who pick on me, I will get you back!

*mods, chill out. dont give me a infraction

Nikushimi

WOOHOO. I'M THE BEST AT SOMETHING.

I ACCOMPLISHED SOMETHING FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE AND YOU ACKNOWLEDGED IT. I HONESTLY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY. D:

NOW I CAN GO BACK TO WATCHING MAI NARUTU: SAND NINJAS IN PIECE.

__________________

Bow to the King.

SSJJason

Chapter 3: Return of Ken 10 Part 1

The sun beamed brightly through Ken 's window, beaming so bright the only way to sleep would be to sleep on your side with a pillow over your face.
As soon as a sun ray hit Ken's face he jumped up and hit his head on kite above his bed
" Ouch....Dainny you up? Ken fell off his MASSIVIE bed and onto the floor
" Yeah i am now. Jeez,what did you cause a earthquake or something? Danielle giggled at the site of the bump on Ken's head
" Let's go to the healing room....it feels like i broke my skull!
Ken and Danielle walk to the healing room . Danielle gasps at the site of the machine
" wow...this is amazing! Ken nodds
" Yeah it is. We have other cool things too you know. Danielle nods
" Hey are you hungry? My mother is a chef so i know how to cook. Ken smiled
" Cool...how bout a cheesse omelet for me ! Ken rubbed his tummy
Devin raced down the stairs and jumped on 36th one " Hey are you forgeting about me?

End of part one
Sorry i had to do something.

__________________




PSN : Fizzykid49.



Hey you fucking assholes who pick on me, I will get you back!

*mods, chill out. dont give me a infraction