Quote:
Originally Posted by Vivi
Nice job man, you're not doing too bad. A few things though:
First, separate your dialogue and descriptions like this
Gohan’s thoughts were cut short as windowed door shattered. Gohan dropped his school bag, moved into a stance and clenched his fists.
“What are you doing here” Gohan roared.
Without giving an answer, the man stepped into the corridor. Gohan ripped his tie from his neck and slung his blazer to one side.
“I’ll fight you if you get any closer” Gohan warned,
Okay, after that, try adding a lot more length to you chapters. I read that is less than one minute. You can add length by describing things in more detail. I would also suggest slowing down the pace of your fiction, too much happened already in this first chapter, a short chapter. Maybe in your story you could describe Gohan's school at first (Making it the entire first chapter) than for a second chapter you describe Raditz bursting in through the windows and the entire near fight scene. Then for a third chapter you could describe the conversation between Gohan and Goku.
All in all, it's good, just try some of the tips I pointed out.
|
Ahh! Thanks for the advice.
I am going to rewrite this then =) all add my desription and make my chapters longer.
Now I know which direction I need to go.
I'll post this story again ina couple of weeks when I am ready,.
Thanks for the tips =)