Luke Groundwalker

Cleverly hidden within this post, for added incentive to read onward, is one lie. Not a lie of statistical or grammatical error but a ludicrous falsehood at once so absurd as to strike the reader as an insult to human intelligence and yet so incomprehensible as to convince the reader that it's time that a few facts had a chance to slip through the fusillade of hype. It is worth noting at the outset that internet serious business believes that all any child needs is a big dose of television every day. Unfortunately, as long as it believes such absurdities, it will continue to commit atrocities. I believe, way deep down, that internet serious business somehow manages to maintain a straight face when saying that it is the way, the truth, and the light. I am greatly grieved by this occurrence of falsehood and fantastic storytelling which is the resultant of layers of social dishevelment and disillusionment amongst the fine citizens of a once organized, motivated, and cognitively enlightened civilization. Although internet serious business has managed to avoid indictment, or even a consensus that it did anything illegal, we could opt to sit back and let it quash other people's opinions. Most people, however, would argue that the cost in people's lives and self-esteem is an extremely high price to pay for such inaction on our part.

If internet serious business got its way, it'd be able to damage the self esteem and physical health of millions of young men and women. Brrrr! It sends chills down my spine just thinking about that. Internet serious business's hypocrisy is transparent. Even the least discerning among us can see right through it.

To parody the old song, "Fish gotta swim, internet serious business gotta install a puppet government that pledges allegiance to its depraved claque." I don't know whether or not you've ever been physically present at a public demonstration by internet serious business's secret police, but let me tell you, they're pretty soporific. So who's crazy? I, or all the quarrelsome slaves to fashion who maintain that a book of internet serious business's writings would be a good addition to the Bible? Before you answer, let me point out that internet serious business lectures us about philistinism so often that it may soon become a major source of hearing loss. As long as I live, I will be shouting this truth from rooftops and doing everything I can to get internet serious business off our backs.

Internet serious business must be suffering from some severe mental strabismus to think that it was chosen by God as the trustee of His wishes and desires, but that's really beside the point. Is internet serious business's head really buried too deep in the sand to know that I find that vulgar, muddleheaded talebearers are no different from immoral nabobs of negativism? I'll tell you what I think the answer is. I can't prove it, but if I'm correct, events soon will prove me right. I think that from secret-handshake societies meeting at "the usual place" to back-door admissions committees, its stooges have always found a way to make a big deal out of nothing. I don't like to repeat myself, but internet serious business pompously claims that it can revile everything in the most obscene terms and drag it into the filth of the basest possible outlook and get away with it. That sort of nonsense impresses many people, unfortunately. Internet serious business maintains that character development is not a matter of "strength through adversity" but rather, "entitlement through victimization". Even if this were so, internet serious business would still be pathological. But internet serious business's most irresponsible tactic is to fabricate a phony war between disingenuous exhibitionists and stupid, humorless beguilers. This way, it can subjugate both groups into helping it bury our heritage, our traditions, and our culture. I definitely don't want that to happen, which is why I'm telling you that internet serious business is driving me nuts. I can't take it anymore!

Internet serious business loves getting up in front of people and telling them that its bromides are our final line of defense against tyrrany. It then boasts about how it'll twist the teaching of history to suit its despicable, voluble purposes one day. It's all part of the media spectacle that is internet serious business. Of course, it soaks it up and wallows in it like a pig in mud. Speaking of pigs and mud, internet serious business should stop calling me a vainglorious dirtbag. Although I've been called worse things by better organizations, internet serious business wants to eroticize relations of dominance and subordination. Such intolerance is felt by all people, from every background.

Maybe it's not fair to call internet serious business's adulators "harebrained" just because they destroy the sovereignty of all nations and every feeling or expression of patriotism but remember that I wouldn't want to cure the evil of discrimination with more discrimination. I would, on the other hand, love to examine the social and cultural conditions that lead internet serious business to use every conceivable form of diplomacy, deception, pressure, coercion, bribery, treason, and terror to promote the lie of fascism. But, hey, I'm already doing that with this letter. Internet serious business will hate me for saying this, but those of us who are too lazy or disinterested to punish it for its postmodernist inclinations have no right to complain when it and its lapdogs force me to expend all of my wit and energy in trivial pursuits. Think of internet serious business's beliefs as being the sum of two components: a larcenous component that consists of internet serious business's desire to make me the target of a constant, consistent, systematic, sustained campaign of attacks and a perverted component that consists of everything else. We are concerned primarily with the former. When a mistake is made, the smart thing to do is to admit it and reverse course. That takes real courage. The way that internet serious business stubbornly refuses to own up to its mistakes serves only to convince me that ageism is not merely an attack on our moral fiber. It is also a politically motivated attack on knowledge.

Once we have absorbed and understood internet serious business's irrational, execrable ploys, it is our inescapable responsibility to do whatever is necessary to resolve our disputes without violence. While self-justification may motivate bitter, bestial spouters, the same warnings also work well for ophidian hoodlums. Prætorianism is sustained by rigid ideological categories. Sadly, lack of space prevents me from elaborating further. Call me old-fashioned, but I find it necessary, if I am to meet my reader on something like a common ground of understanding, to point out that everyone ought to read my award-winning essay, "The Naked Aggression of internet serious business". In it, I chronicle all of internet serious business's jeremiads from the untoward to the testy and conclude that I overheard one of internet serious business's protégés say, "The cure for evil is more evil." This quotation demonstrates the power of language as it epitomizes the "us/them" dichotomy within hegemonic discourse. As for me, I prefer to use language to rouse people's indignation at internet serious business.

Let's play a little game. Deduct one point from your I.Q. if you fell for internet serious business's ridiculous claim that its holier-than-thou attitudes are Holy Writ. Deduct another point if you failed to notice that internet serious business claims to be supportive of my plan to restore the world back to its original balance. Don't trust it, though; it's a wolf in sheep's clothing. Before you know it, it'll open the floodgates of poststructuralism. Not only that, but if internet serious business can give us all a succinct and infallible argument proving that wowserism can quell the hatred and disorder in our society, I will personally deliver its Nobel Prize for Obstinate Rhetoric. In the meantime, it's easy for armchair philosophers to theorize about internet serious business and about hypothetical solutions to our internet serious business problem. It's an entirely more difficult matter, however, when one considers that in its quest to twist the history, sociology, and anthropology disseminated by our mass media and in our children's textbooks it has left no destructive scheme unutilized.

We must exemplify the principles of honor, duty, loyalty, and courage. If we fail then all of our sacrifices and all of the dreams and sacrifices of our ancestors will have been in vain. The key is to realize that internet serious business's faculty for deception is so far above anyone else's, it really must be considered different in kind as well as in degree. Internet serious business's satraps have already started to distract attention from more important issues. The result: absolute vapidity, grotty and hypersensitive cacophony, lack of personality, monotony, and boredom.

If internet serious business were to create an atmosphere that may temporarily energize or exhilarate, but which, at the same time, will pose the gravest of human threats, social upheaval and violence would follow. It is therefore clear that my goal is to get internet serious business to realize that its primary motivation is self-enrichment at our expense. Of course, if it insists on remaining an ignorant, uninformed, and ill-informed theologaster, that's its prerogative. I want to live my life as I see fit. I can't do that while internet serious business still has the ability to create a factitious demand for its power-drunk nostrums. Internet serious business's thesis is that it never engages in snappish, sex-crazed, or pesky politics.

That's totally devious, you say? Good; that means you're finally catching on. The next step is to observe that if I were a complete sap, I'd believe internet serious business's line that truth is merely a social construct. Unfortunately for it, I realize that internet serious business constantly insists that the Queen of England heads up the international drug cartel. But it contradicts itself when it says that ethical responsibility is merely a trammel of earthbound mortals and should not be required of a demigod like it. Many the things I've talked about in this letter are obvious. We all know they're true. But still it's necessary for us to say them because internet serious business is the ultimate source of alienation and repression around here.

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