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Narrator: Harry Potter, now 15 is sitting on a swing for some reason and is sulking.

Harry: I’m not in the mood to do anything.

Dudley: Hey Potter my acting’s more awful now.

Harry: Oh that’s great…

Dudley: It’s a storm that’s scary!

Harry: Wow that was scary but I’m sure…

Dementor: BOO!

Harry: Well I haven’t seen you guys since the third film. Where have you been?

Dementor: Sucking Gordon Brown’s soul out of he’s body, rendering him completely useless.

Harry: So what’s the difference between him then and him now?

Dementor: He’s the Prime Minister. Oh by the way my brother Steve’s sucking your cousin’s soul out.

Dudley: Ponies…keep…the…ponies…away.

Harry: Expecto Go Bambi!

Dementor: Come on Steve these guys are no fun.

Steve: Okay lets suck someone else’s soul out of their body.

Mrs Figg: Hello Harry dear.

Harry: Who the hell are you?

Mrs Figg: I’m your next door neighbour, Mrs. Figg.

Harry: Never heard of you.

Petunia: By god Dudley’s sick.

Vernon: Petunia I have been in this building since the third film. I’m trying to eat all the out of date ice cream before it goes mouldy.

Dudley: Even though Harry didn’t do anything…it was him.

Vernon: That’s it bars on your windows again.

Harry: You know I can kick your ass without magic now…

Letter: To Mr. Potter we are glad to tell you you’ve been expelled from Hogwarts. Hope this hasn’t spoilt your summer.

Harry: *Summer Spoilt*

Vernon: WOO HOO. JUSTICE BABY!!!

Harry: Well my Aunt, Uncle and Cousin are out. I could just climb out the window but I would rather sulk. *Punches Wardrobe* My fist hurts. *Door Explodes* Holy crap!

Moody: YARR!!! HARRY ME AND ME CREW CAME TO SAVE YOU!!!

Harry: Great. I thought I got rid of this weirdo last year.

Tonks: Hello Harry I’m a new character. Join the happy friends.

Harry: Erm…

Tonks: JOIN THEM!!!

Harry: *Scared* Okay!

Kingsley: Hello Harry we’ve come to save you.

Harry: Okay. Hey wait a minute.

Kingsley: Yes…

Harry: You’re…normal?

Kingsley: Exactly.

Harry: That’s shocking. Sorry but I haven’t been around any normal people for quite a while.

*Wizards fly off*

Moody: YARR!!! WELCOME TO THE PIRATE CAVE OF DOOOOOOM!!!

Kingsley: Actually it’s a house.

Tonks: SHUT UP PSYCHO!!!

Molly: Hello Harry I’m back to annoy you some more.

Harry: Oh great…

Herman: Harry you’re safe!

Harry: Why wouldn’t I be?

Ron: Well with the Dementor attack we thought…

Harry: WELL YOU’RE WRONG!!!

Fred: Well Harry your hormones are really going mad this year.

George: You’re gonna end up worse than Moody and Tonks combined.

Tonks: I HEARD THAT!!!

Moody: MAKE HIM WALK THE PLANK!!!

Sirius: Harry it’s so good to see you again.

Harry: I’m happy for once.

Lupin: Hi Harry.

Harry: Oh…hi.

Lupin: Don’t you like me anymore?

Harry: It’s just your gay and a werewolf.

Lupin: So what? Sirius is gay and a dog. And worst of all he’s gay with me!

Sirius: Its different!

Lupin: No it isn’t! *Jumps on Sirius and they both roll over the table fighting*

Harry: *Looks over table to see Sirius (as the dog) and Lupin (as the werewolf) kissing* Ewwwwww…

Tonks: *Grabs both of them and makes them sit down* AHHHHH!!!

Harry: Why did I have to be in the house of psychos?

Sirius: Anyway lets tell you a story Harry.

Tonks: STORIES!!! I LOVE STORIES!!! EXPECIALLY ABOUT FARIES!!! BECAUSE I HAVE…FAIRY GOD PARENTS!!!

Sirius: Anyway Voldemort has got he’s Deatheaters and shit and…

Harry: Where’s this going?

Ron: To make a long story short Fudge doesn’t believe you that Voldemort’s back.

Herman: Yeah…

Harry: *Hormones overtake brain and kicks table* WHAT THE HELL!!!

Tonks: Even I’m scared…

Arthur: Also we’ve scheduled a hearing so you might get back to Hogwarts yet.

Harry: Well I feel better now.

Arthur: Unfortunately Fudge is the Judge…hey that rhymes.

Harry: Okay…there’s still a chance I’ll get to go back to Hogwarts.

Narrator: So Arthur and Harry go to the Ministry of Magic but first Arthur must experience the Muggle world.

Arthur: Wow these trains are incredibly clever. No wonder Muggles get along fine without magic.

Harry: They don’t.

Arthur: Guess what the entrance is in a telephone box and it’s a lift.

Harry: So what if a Muggle accidentally activates the lift?

Arthur: *Pretends he didn’t hear Harry* So off to the hearing we go…

Harry: Oh look Lucious and Fudge are talking. They are probably preparing some evil plan to get me expelled for Hogwarts.

Fudge: So did you see Neibours last night?

Lucious: Oh yes that episode made little Draco cry he’s little eyes out.

Arthur: Go on Harry and good luck.

Harry: Thanks…

Fudge: Today in this hall we are deciding if Harry is guilty or not guilty of casting a spell in front of a Muggle. Prosecution for the against is me, Cornelius Fudge.

Harry: Isn’t that a bit unfair, as you are also the Judge?

Fudge: Shut your mouth. Anyway…

Dumbledore: Prosecution for the against…Albus Wilfrick Brian Alfred Mary Homer Matt Fred George Harry Potter Dumbledore.

Fudge: Wow that name is long.

Dumbledore: Yes…Anyway I have a witness.

Fudge: Who?

Mrs. Figg: Me!

Harry: Who the hell are you?

Mrs. Figg: We met earlier Harry.

Harry: I don’t remember.

Fudge: Alright what happened?

Mrs. Figg: Well I finished playing chess with the people at the old folk’s home when…

Fudge: OBJECTION! You were playing chess at the old folk’s home even though you don’t live there?

Mrs. Figg: Yes…

Fudge: How old are you Mrs. Figg.

Mrs. Figg: 80…

Fudge: THAT MEAN YOU ARE POST TO LIVE IN THAT HOME! GUARDS!!! TAKE HER AWAY!!! *Coughs* Anymore witnesses Dumbledore?

Dumbledore: No…

Fudge: The final verdict? Those for the against? *Only Fudge’s hand is raised* Those for the…for? *Everyone else’s hand is raised* Fine you can go back to Hogwarts.

Harry: Hey Dumbledore!

Dumbledore: Sorry Harry I’m ignoring you.

Narrator: And so Harry goes back to Hogwarts not knowing of the hell that is about to happen there.

Ron: Well I have to say Harry I think that the worst bit of the year is over.

Harry: Why do you think that?
Herman: Well come on Harry you’re going back to Hogwarts. The place you feel more at home than even you’re home.
Harry: Yeah well the carriages look different this year.
Ron: I don’t see anything pulling them…
Harry: No I mean there’s no roof.
Luna: Hello people I am…erm…what’s my name again?
Herman: Luna Lovegood.
Luna: Yeah that.
Dumbledore: Welcome to another year of Hogwarts. Damn I’m getting sick of that line. Anyway Hagrid’s missing.
Harry: Oh bloody hell.
Dumbledore: We also have a new Defence against the Dark Arts teacher called Professor Umbridge.
Harry: Please be nice. Please be nice. Please be nice.
Umbridge: Hello little children.
Harry: Thank god…
Umbridge: I just have to say that I hate all people under the age of 20.
Harry: Doh.
Narrator: So how nice is this Umbridge find out…now!
Umbridge: So from now on we won’t be having any practical lessons. We’ll be learning from the book "Baby Spells for Babies".
Hermonie: How are we post to learn with this?
Umbridge: Easy…you just read the text.
Harry: Then how are we supposed to fight the forces of darkness?
Umbridge: Detention!
Harry: For what?
Umbridge: For saying there are bad things out there. The world is a perfect place and there is nothing that can possibly hurt anyone.
Harry: Okay lets have this detention…Wow this office is so cute it’s creepy.
Umbridge: I know. Just write with my special quill "I must not tell lies" 20 times.
Harry: Why the hell has this quill got "The Quill of Death" written on it?
Umbridge: Just a figure of speech…
Harry: My hand hurts isn’t this illegal.
Umbridge: Maybe…but I don’t care. Who’s going to stop me? Dumbledore?
Harry: Yes…
Umbridge: A week’s detention Mr. Potter.
Harry: She’s worse than Snape.
Umbridge: Why…thank you.
Herman: You’ve got to tell someone about this.
Harry: No.
Ron: Why?
Harry: Don’t wanna.
Herman: Well I guess…
Harry: You better not tell anyone!
Herman: Okay.
Mcgonagall: Umbridge you bitch I heard what you did.
Harry: *Glares at Herman*
Herman: Sorry…
Umbridge: Well I’ll get something done about this then.
Fudge: Umbridge is now High Inquisitor of Hogwarts.
Harry: This is just awful. Isn’t Dumbledore doing anything about this?
Ron: Probably not.
Trelawnly: Hello class we shall see the future.
Harry: How many more people are we going to see who haven’t been seen since the third film.
Trelawnly: Ooo I predict…
Harry: Shut up!
Umbridge: Detention Mr. Potter!
Harry: What are you doing here?
Umbridge: Inspecting the class. I am now the High Inquisitor.
Harry: We’ve heard it already.
Herman: So Harry…
Harry: Yes?
Herman: Why don’t you be our new Defence against the Dark Arts teacher?
Ron: What? Why can’t I be the now Defence against the Dark Arts teacher?
Herman: Because you’re useless.
Ron: Oh yeah.
Harry: Well if it releases me of this boredom then…okay.
Herman: Here ye, here ye. Welcome to the recruiting for Dumbledore’s Army. Who’s joining and why?
Fred: I am because George is.
George: I am because Fred is.
Cho: I am because Harry is the teacher.
Neville: I am because I need to learn how to fight…please don’t hurt me.
Luna: I am because the maggots in my underpants talk to me.
Maggots: Kill them all…kill them all before they kill you.
Luna: Shut up maggots.
Ginny: I am to beat up Neville for dumping me after the Yule Ball last year.
Harry: This is actually going well. I hope nothing goes wrong.
Umbridge: I am banning all student clubs and organisations.
Harry: Shit.
Neville: Hey look a door that just appeared out of nowhere. WOW!
Ron: It’s perfect Neville.
Neville: Where the hell did you three come from?
Narrator: And so Dumbledore’s Army trained to fight Voldemort and the Deatheaters even though there wasn’t any guarantee that would all meet.
Hagrid: I’m back.
Harry: Where we you?
Hagrid: Well…long story short we went to some giants because we tried to get them on our side but we didn’t.
Ron: Who’s we?
Hagrid: Maxime and me.
Herman: You haven’t brought any Giants home with you, have you?
Hagrid: No!
Harry: Well this is all very exiting but I think its time for Christmas.
Narrator: And so on the last Dumbledore’s Army meeting before Christmas Harry’s hormones are about to go to explode.
Harry: Well done all and get lost and leave me alone to grieve for no reason.
Cho: You have urges Harry. That’s such a turn on for me *snogs Harry*
Harry: Woah! This is great. Nothing could spoil my day. *Dreams of him being a snake and attacking Arthur* AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
Mcgonagall: You’ve really done it this time. I don’t know how Dumbledore’s gonna get you out of nearly killing a member of the ministry of magic.
Dumbledore: Oh my good god. I am pissed for once.
Snape: You wanted me Dumbledore.
Dumbledore: Don’t be disgusting Snape. Anyway you’re must teach Harry Occulmency.
Harry: I’M BEING IGNORED!!!
Snape: Eep.
Dumbledore: *Looks worried for a minute then smiles* Have a nice Christmas Harry.
Arthur: Merry Christmas Harry and thank you for saving my pathetic little life.
Harry: I’m going to see Sirius, as he’s the only one who can make me happy.
Kreacher: Bloody Mudbloods…bastards…perverts…I hate them.
Harry: Okay…
Sirius: Sorry about him he’s freaky. Here’s my family tree Harry.
Harry: How much did this wallpaper cost?
Sirius: More than you’ll ever be worth.
Harry: Yeah…
Narrator: And so after a not so merry Christmas Harry returns to Hogwarts to be tortured by Snape.
Snape: I always wanted to read Harry Potter’s mind.
Harry: You’re watching me snogging Cho aren’t you?
Snape: Woah that girl of yours is fine.
Herman: Hey look at the news ten Dementors escaped from Azkaban.
Narrator: FLASHBACK!!!
Bellatrix: I’M FREE!!! FREE!!! *Laughs like a psycho*
Ron: You know her and Tonks are related, don’t you?
Herman: I think I can hear someone crying…
Trelawnly: I’ve been fired!
Herman: Oh its just Trelawnly lets leave.
Mcgonagall: Come here dear. I won’t let you go. I will never let go.
Umbridge: Shut up you fools. I’ve never seen woman act like girls so much.
Dumbledore: Stop at once! Umbridge get lost.
Umbridge: The power of Dumbledore’s voice is too much for me. You’ll get yours Dumbledore. You soon will be gone and I will be here.
Dumbledore: Man she’s evil.
Harry: Hey Dumbledore!
Dumbledore: *Ignoring Harry*
Hagrid: Guess what.
Harry, Ron and Herman: What?
Hagrid: I’ve been fired too so here’s a giant.
Ron: Nice...
Neville: Yay we’re learning Patronuses.
Herman: Expecto Go Otter!
Door: BANG!!!
Ron: That didn’t sound good…
Umbridge: Aha caught in the act.
Harry: Oh nelly.
Fudge: We have the evidence Dumbledore so now, and I’ve always wanted to say this *Breathes in heavily*. You’re under arrest.
Dumbledore: I’m not coming quietly.
Umbridge: Just kill him already.
Fawkes: Here I come Dumbledore.
Dumbledore: Ultimate Dumbledore disappearing flame blast attack.
Harry: Wow Dumbledore is awesome.
Kingsley: You’ve got to admit Fudge. That Dumbledore’s got style.
Fudge: Just shut up.
Harry: Thanks a lot Cho for telling on us.
Cho: Don’t worry nothing else can go wrong.
Fudge: Umbridge is now the Headmaster at Hogwarts.
Harry: This is the worst year I’ve ever had.
Umbridge: What are those noises that sound like fireworks.
Fred: We’re ditching this school baby.
George: Good bye our loyal fans.
Filch: You don’t have any.
Harry: Hooray let’s celebrate! *Collapses*
Voldemort: Come on Sirius tell me where the headquarters of your little gang is.
Sirius: I don’t know it’s just my old grandmother’s house. Damn I shouldn’t have said that.
Voldemort: Thank you for telling me now die.
Sirius: Man this tickles.
Harry: Sirius is in danger. We have to do something.
Herman: What do you have in mind?
Harry: We break into Umbridge’s office and...
Ron: Stop there! We are not doing that.
Harry: Come on guys. When the climax is near we never lose so come on.
Ron: Well...okay.
Umbridge: Ha caught in the act again.
Harry: My logic of these films has let me down.
Umbridge: *Slaps in the face* I rule this film.
Harry: Ow that hurt.
Umbridge: I know. As I am the headmaster and Fudge’s right hand man I’m going to use an Unforgivable Curse on you.
Herman: Alright we’ll tell you what we’re up to.
Umbridge: This better not be a trap.
Harry: Of course it isn’t.
Herman: Oh shit Grawp isn’t here.
Umbridge: This was a trap wasn’t it? That’s it I’m going to kill you both this time.
Centaur: Not so fast you fiend.
Harry: That does it. Now we are seeing people who haven’t appeared since the first film.
Grawp: Look a Centaur and a Hag. Oh wait there’s two.
Herman: Hey!
Harry: Don’t worry about that let’s run.
Neville: Hi we escaped.
Ron: Where’s Ginny?
Neville: She was a wimp and decided not to come. But we’ve still got Luna.
Luna: *Blank look on her face*
Harry: Great we’re saved now.
Luna: Let’s take the Thestrals.
Ron: How the hell did we get on them if we couldn’t see them?
Herman: Don’t blame me, blame the writing staff.
Harry: Well we’re here at the ministry of magic headquarters.
Ron: There’s no one here.
Harry: Maybe there is another room that looks just like this one.
Neville: You sent us here just for nothing. We are in trouble when we get back to Hogwarts.
Lucious: I think you’re in enough trouble now.
Herman: Eek.
Lucious: Hello Potter. How’s the mowing going?
Harry: Fine Malfoy.
Ron: Nice one Harry you sent us here just so we could die?
Harry: Well... it looks that way.
Bellatrix: Hello Neville how’s life going after I tortured your parents into madness.
Neville: Fine...
Harry: *Picks up he’s prophecy* Ooo shiny.
Prophecy: And this year some kid with glasses and urges will be born and kill the dark lord. While neither will live while the other survives.
Harry: Well that last sentence didn’t make any sense.
Lucious: Give it to me Potter.
Harry: Erm...no! *runs*
Lucious: You can run but you can’t hide.
Ron: Woah this is scary.
Luna: Ooo butterflies.
Harry: What the hell? A weird veil of some sorts. I doubt that’s gonna be needed for the film. *Smashes prophecy*
Lucious: Nooooo! You’ve made me mad for the last time Potter.
Sirius: Don’t count on it.
Tonks: PSYCHO WITCH IS HERE!!!
Moody: YARR!!! FULL STEAM AHEAD INTO BATTLE!!!
Lupin: Lets do this boys. Gay wolf attack!
Deatheaters: Ahhh wofl urges!
Bellatrix: Avada Kadavra!
Sirius:...Ow *Falls through the veil*
Harry: This calls for a sad slow motion scene.
Lupin: No!!! My future husband is dead!!!
Bellatrix: Come on Potter. Fight me you’ll never win.
Harry: *Kicks Bellatrix’s ass* Your going to die like you killed Sirius.
Voldemort: *Appears in an over dramatic way* Do it Harry.
Harry: I’d rather kill you instead
Voldemort: No one can save you now Harry.
Dumbledore: *Appears* You sure Voldemort?
Voldemort: Ha you’ll soon be dead old man *attacks with sound effects straight from Return of the Jedi and Revenge of the Sith*
Dumbledore: Those recycled sound effects are no match against my power of knocking Harry on he’s ass while still fighting you.
Voldemort: Okay try some of my fire.
Dumbledore: You laugh life an idiot. Try some of my water.
Voldemort: *Gets stuck in ball of water* For god sakes stop spinning it around I’m going to be sick.
Harry: Wow...
Dumbledore: *Knocks Harry on he’s ass again* I could do that all day.
Voldemort: Ha ha not so clever now Dumbledore. *Does weird cape attack* Taste my cape.
Dumbledore: I’d rather not. *Throws Daz at cape stopping it attacking him*
Harry: This battle’s just getting stupid.
Voldemort: HAH!!! *Breaks the glass in the Ministry and blasts it at Dumbledore* Just die already!
Dumbledore: Feel the power of the shield.
Voldemort: They’re still alive? Okay time for my final attack *dissapears*.
Dumbledore: Now where is he?
Voldemort: Invading Harry’s mind.
Harry: Ow my head hurts and these images are giving me more headaches than any mother could have.
*Everyone else walks in after missing the best wizard fight ever*
Herman: Don’t you find it weird that Dumbledore is kneeling besides Harry while Harry’s having spasms?
Harry: I feel sorry for you.
Voldemort: Really?
Harry: No.
Voldemort: Damn you. You’re a fool Harry Potter and you will lose everything.
Harry: Even my glasses?
Voldemort: Yes.
Dumbledore: For some reason I’m not doing anything even though he’s standing right beside me.
Fudge: What the hell is going...*Sees Voldemort*
Voldemort: So long suckers.
Fudge: He’s back.
Dumbledore: You think?
Narrator: And so Harry had the worst year ever and its only gonna get worse. What’s going to happen? Find out next time on Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince.

The End

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