Ey, I just went through it real quick and, yeh I like your story line and all, but i found some thing that disturbed me in your writing
Quote:
Originally Posted by JC#1
"OH! I didn't know that the hyperbolic time chamber could change the terrain like this! It must be simulating Diablo Dessert!" Uub explained to himself. What he didn't seem to know was that the chamber was actually a different dimmension in the DBZ unverse, not a machine. Goku walks in to the ramen shop.
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The sentence I just underlined is the one that has one of the major errors that I realized. You should of put it in like this:
What he didn't seem to know was that the chamber actually lead them to a different dimension.
Or something like that, I don't think you should use DBZ universe, and you also spelled universe wrong.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JC#1
"YEAH! It is so good to see you 2! Suno, you're all grown up! And where are your-" Goku began to ask when he saw an old rinlky woman walk out of the kitchen.
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I think every writer agrees in this point with me, I think you should
NEVER use short cut words like 2, r, u, etc...
Quote:
Originally Posted by JC#1
"Well we're no fighters--Accept for Eighter! Is he the pl?" Suno asked. Piccollo shook his head.
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This one has the exact same problem as the one above it, thats it for the mistakes.
Well I really like your stories and the way you put address your story line. I think you did a good job but yeh, we're not all perfect and we always make mistakes. Good Job and I cant wait till the next chapter