Damn.
I liked.
However, it is not flawless.
Major flaw in my view is the format / text size. It was a really annoying read due to that.
Paragraph-by-paragraph, my issues.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chuckles
Prologue: Ready to fight?
The day, unlike most recently, was a calm one. The clouds soared high above the grassy landscape like an eagle in flight. A breeze was imminent and the wild life were at ease. However, on this calm day, atop a hill in the plains was a man.
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The first sentence has a flaw - the day, unlike most recently? Makes no sense. Should have been something like "The day, unlike the recent ones" or something of that sorts. Also, how can the clouds resemble a flying eagle? O_o. Kind of an exaggerated metaphor. The "A breeze was imminent" part is also... wtfish, I mean, you just don't see this expression - suit yourself though. The last sentence is fine, except "was" should have been replaced by "stood" or something less simplistic.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chuckles
This man had a large, worn gii and a tattered Brown-Belt. His skin was white that did hint a slight tan complextion.This man's face was gentle and his hair folded over his forhead at the end. He had glowing blue eyes that showed nothing but determination and focus. His mind was clear, and his body followed. It moved with grace over movements of what looked like an organized kada.
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Isn't it "gi"? Might be incorrect here. Also, why did you capitalize and heifen-ate (lol) brown belt? Second phrase - it's "hint at", and the first part is wrong - "His skin was a shade of white that did hint at..." would be more proper wording, and complexion is misspelled there. With the rest, no real issues, except suddenly jumping from physical to emotional / mental description is frowned upon.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chuckles
His hands shot out to his left side, squared with his shoulder. Then the right hand which stretched over his stomach, shot back in to it's original position sided to his ribs. The other opened to the world and his fingers still extended outward. Then with a booming, crisp crack; the two hands collided together with the palm of the left making contact with his right elbow. From there, the right hand extended over the stomach and the left hand came under it and tucked at the side of the ribs. This made the body square, were the rest of the single motion would fall into play.
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Okay... this paragraph is seriously confusing, and I don't even understand why you had to describe such a simple event in such extent. Anyway, using "shot out" twice in a row kinda ruined that part, but the rest was ok I s'pose.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chuckles
This was his day, the day of the tournament he had trained so long for. He would prove to his Sudoshi and Sensei that he was ready to test for his Black-belt. Yet a tingling feeling cringed him inside that he was not ready. He was so sure he was, yet that urge to give up still told him otherwise.
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Good.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chuckles
As he finished off the kada, a familiar voice called his name,
"Mike!!!"
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As before - no flaws in this.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chuckles
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chuckles
He suddenly turned to see a girl in a pink t-shirt. She wore tight jean pants and a black bracelet. Her hair, which was a thick brown with blond streaks, came just below her ears. She, like him had white skin. However, her eyes were as brown as dirt which if she wanted to, could make them seem delicate to the point that you break down. This girl was his best friend since the second grade, yet recently has been his girlfriend once the training started again.
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Yeah... no real errors... just the sudden jump from physical description to backstory... and also "came" for the hair should have probably been "reached" or something along these lines. Minor.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chuckles
He then frowned at her and replied,
"I told you, that I don't like to be called that."
She then smiled said,
"Yeah, I know...you want to be called Kata-whatever. But come on, your not even Asian!"
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I lol'd at that. My only point is that dialogue is awkward formatted like that. But it's your choice.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chuckles
This caused him to step forward and continue the bicker with a reflective tone,
"It's Katashi! You know my father gave me the name after he left from Japan. What do you want anyway?"
At this, she changed the conversation and brushed her hair to the side and looked at him with a more simplistic look.
"I just wanted to see you before your big tournament. Are you ready to kick some ass for me??"
"I'm not so sure," replied Katashi, "I barely know who I am anymore, Sandra."
"I do," she answered, "your Kata-pee, and you kick ass!"
At that he laughed and answered,
"Ha-ha, very funny. It's a good thing that I've already finished training because I would have loved to differ!"
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Not bad. Loving the comedy parts, actually.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chuckles
After a while, they began to walk down the dirt road back to the city. Once there, they exchanged their good byes with a kiss and both went their separate ways.
A few minutes later, Katashi began down same the street he had for years. It's beat-up gravel never changed texture and the shops never got new paint.
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"Its" shouldn't have an apostrophe in this case.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chuckles
It brought back memories from when he was a child. None of them pleasant as each time, he ended up with a new injury to show his mom when he came home from school. Except for now, which his reputation for killing people made gang members think twice when they thought they were tough. However, every now and then someone tried him. Each time they ended up on the gravel begging for mercy. He loved it when they did.
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Ok, now you're suddenly and unexpectedly twisting around the whole benevolent, "good guy" martial artist personality into a merciless killer... that just wtfd me. Could have been presented much better IMO.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chuckles
At the end of the ghetto road, he smiled a walked on to the next block. Up ahead lay his apartment which like the road, needed some work done. He walked inside and up the battered stairs, were he was greeted by a cool rush of air. He had become accustom to this broken environment and also began to rely on it.
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"And", not "a". Comma before "like". "Where" instead of "were" (common mistake). "Accustomed" instead of "accustom". Environment cannot be broken. Also, "rely on it" is kind of random without an explanation following.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chuckles
Katashi let out a sigh of exhaustion as he entered a small room at the left side of the hall. It's contents, unlike the rest of the building, were fairly clean. A smooth, white refrigerator stood at the left side of the wall. To the right was a small, unmade bed. Above the bed stood a poster of a white Japanese symbol. At the end of the room stood a small desk covered in papers.
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Smooth refrigerator? ...eh? Again the apostrophe thing in "its contents". Also, "stood" is used thrice in the description - you should have used something else, like "lay" for the desk, or "was hanging" (for the poster).
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chuckles
He then walked slowly to the bed and plopped down like a rock into water. As he did so, the thoughts that told him he couldn't make it, reared it's ugly head once again. His head told him not to trust his body, although that is what he was trained to do all a long. He still had six hours before his tournament started, but it felt only two steps away. Suddenly, a memory from the past entered his head and became a virus attacking his head.
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A memory doesn't instantly become a virus... and a virus does not exactly attack, it infects. But alright, can be overlooked. The rest had no flaws.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chuckles
Suddenly Katashi was back on the street of his childhood. He was now only eight years old, carrying a rugged back back and feeling the familiar timidness all over again. The sun was almost down past the roof of the shops, this meant that gangs began to take their turfs. He tried to run before he was noticed, but out of nowhere, two hands grabbed his puny shoulders and pulled him to the ground.
He felt an intense rush of pain as he fell to the hard pavement below. He tried to get up until a terrible face appeared right above him. It was none other than the town bully and tough gang member, R.K.
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This is good. No exaggerations or anything.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chuckles
His arms were thick and his face stout, while his stomach was strong and firm. This made Katashi finch in terror as R.K. only laughed. Then with overpowering strength, R.K. lifted the young Katashi off the ground and into the air. R.K. laughed at Katashi's weakness and said,
"Hey Kata-pee. Didn't I tell you not to walk down my street anymore?? Because I'm pretty sure I did, but since I'm such an understanding person, I'm gonna give you a chance to get your puny ass off my street."
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"Flinch", not "finch". Also, one question mark is usually enough. One question and one exclamation mark would've been better for emphasis.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chuckles
Suddenly, Katashi was flying through the air like a bird, until gravity kicked back in. He then plopped back to the ground with a thud. This caused Katashi to awaken from his slumber with a gasp. With a quick look to the alarm clock on his desk, he realized he was now only thirty minutes from his tournament....
But was he ready to fight??
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Good conclusion. No flaws here.
Overall, I was satisfied. A bit overboard with typoes / syntax errors etc, and kind of poor vocabulary, but I liked the flow and concept of the story. I'm going to wait till you post some actual chapters before going in more detail over that.